optimistic uncertainty
august 5, 2025
hey everyone, so i've got great news: my canadian visa has finally been approved!
i know this is something i kinda mentioned in passing in the last entry, but yeah, this is real. i'm finally moving. i am at the point of no return. now, i don't have a flight yet. i'm not leaving right this instant. still has to be arranged.
when i first heard the news, i almost cried. there were a lot of mixed emotions and i'll be honest there still are... i hadn't truly experienced moving elsewhere before and now that i have to, it's gonna be on the other side of the fucking planet. i am going to leave a lot behind. for the most part though i could care less. this is not a great place to be in.
it's really hard to convey my emotions through this medium. this entry has gone through several iterations, actually. there are so much things going through my head when writing this. because there's a part of me that's hopeful and excited about it since, fuck, canada is so much better of a country compared to where i currently am now. they've got their shit relatively more figured out compared to the clusterfuck that is the philippines. i know i don't do a hell of a lot more research than i should but i do know at least that much.
then there's the other part of me. afraid of all the uncertainty the future brings. and as everyone knows, it's a normal thing. no one's a damn clairvoyant - no one can predict the future. (well to my knowledge, at least. and one backed up by studies too, obviously.) but that aside, well, i'm scared cuz i'm essentially starting from scratch. i know no one, i have nothing, i'll become an adult there which means i eventually have to work alongside doing my academics. and, like, my parents still think i'm their son when in reality i'm their daughter so i'm gonna have to deal with that problem going forward. and what if i wanna move out and cut ties? how will the immigration shit work? where will i move to? what am i gonna take in college, what career do i wanna pursue? what do i do with my life??
despite that though, i have some hope that things will be better for me in a lot of aspects of my life by moving there. i don't like thinking about the future, especially given the... rather dystopian sequence of world events right now (in fact i don't like thinking at all, it sucks and i hate my brain. /hj) but this is definitely something i'm looking forward to. it ain't going to be easy, that much i know. nothing is in life after all. i pray that lady luck will be on my side and that all will turn out well in the end.
and i guess i have to always remember this mantra of sorts my partner has lived by:
"don't let the bastards grind you down"